Just last night, when visiting a friend’s mother, I expressed my desire to have a truly equitable relationship with my partner. I told her how I’ve seen so many women in committed relationships get treated like they’re less than their partners, and how I desperately want to avoid that in my own relationship. I told her how it seems like there’s so few, if any, examples of women who are seen as true equals with their partners. And the only example I could think of was Michelle and Barack Obama. To me, they really seem like peers, equals, true teammates. Or so I thought…

This wise woman pointed out to me that even a relationship like that isn’t 100% equitable/equal. 

Because despite Michelle’s enormous achievements, the main thing she’s known for by the general public is typically what her husband did. 

Everybody knows she was the first lady who was married to Barack Obama, but do most people know that she has a Harvard Law degree? Do most people know of her other achievements? Not nearly as much. People primarily know her for what her husband did.

(Note: this is no offense to Michelle Obama, there are plenty of people who know how impressive she is and the extent of the work and value she’s provided to the world. However, the first thing people think of when they think of her is usually something connected to Barack instead of being something about her.)

This horrified me to hear, because here I am, a young woman, working so hard to prove to the world that I am capable. That I’m here to be myself in a full and complete way. But no matter how hard I work or how much I achieve, there will still be people in this world who see me as nothing more than the fiance or wife of ______. 

I don’t want to live my life in a man’s shadow. 

I don’t want to be known for what my husband does. 

I want to be known for what I do. 

I want to be known for who I am. 

This conversation made me realize that so much of what I’ve worked to accomplish in my life has been driven by this desire. 

I’ve worked my butt off because I wanted to prove that I’m more than a wife or partner. I wanted to prove that I’m my own person who is worth respecting and who is as worthy and as important as any man in the room. 

But Michelle is an example that there is nothing I can do to convince everyone in the world that I’m an equal.

Let me clarify: technically, it’s already true that I am as worthy as anybody else. I believe it is a fact that I am an equal, even if people don’t treat me (or anybody else) like it. 

But because human perspectives are innately flawed and incomplete, there is no level of success that I could achieve that would prove my worth to everyone.

When I look at the path in front of me and my options for my life, I notice I could easily spend my entire life trying to prove myself and my worth. 

I could spend decades doing everything I can, working as hard as humanly possible, achieving success after success, collecting titles, awards, and achievements, and even if I spent my entire life doing it, it would never be enough to ensure that no one would see me as “less than.” 

You see what I mean?

So, here I am at a crossroads. Do I try to prove myself? Do I kick myself every day to do more, driven entirely by the fear that I am less than a man, and more specifically my partner? Or do I stop trying to prove myself, and accept that other people will always see me as less? 

Neither option sounds acceptable to me.

But this led to an interesting realization…

If I try to prove myself to others, I am technically putting in all that effort for them. Since I’d technically be “trying to prove myself” for the purpose of aiming to change their perception… that would mean my efforts are “for them” & “about them.” 

But considering that these hypothetical “others” don’t see me as an equal, I find it extremely unappealing to put in all that effort for their sake. 

Hell no.

What I really want to do is figure out how to put effort into my life for myself.

How do I work to succeed for me, and not anybody else? 

What do I want to achieve for myself that doesn’t involve carrying my trophies to somebody afterwards to say “see? I told you I was worth something!” 

Other people may think my worth is connected to having a man at my hip. 

I believe they are wrong, AND I accept that I cannot control what other people think. 

However, what I cannot accept is how I have allowed this incorrect perception of women to drive how I show up in my life. 

If I spend my whole life trying to prove them wrong (when I already know that they’re wrong) I am giving them power over my life. 

And they don’t deserve to have that kind of power over me. 

So to begin taking that power away from them, I’m asking myself, how would I show up in my life if I didn’t have any desire to try to “prove myself” to anyone? 

Would I work towards the same things? Would I treat people the same way? If the way I lived was just for me, and not meant to prove myself to other people, what would my path forward look like? 

And whatever the answer is… I know that it’s going to be in integrity with the kind of person I truly am and want to be, not just the person I want other people to perceive me as. 

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Cheers, 

Morgan Rita Barbret