Do you find it difficult to actually relax in your off time?

In this post, I’m sharing what I’ve discovered often causes this feeling, and what we can do about it, so we can finally relax.

Before figuring out why I couldn’t relax, my life looked a little like this…

• When the end of the school/work day came, and it was time to unwind, I couldn’t release the tension in my body.
• When it was time to have quality time with the people I loved, I’d find my mind buzzing and rehashing the remaining items on my to-do list.
• If I left something unfinished with work or school, I felt extremely uncomfortable and guilty.
• Even though I knew other people wouldn’t care or judge me for taking a break, I still felt like I was doing something wrong anytime I tried to rest.

One day, I took a closer look at the thoughts that were happening in my head. And here’s what I found.

I noticed that I had received a lot of praise for doing things well and being productive, and at some point along the lines, I had conflated my own value and worth with my level of productivity.

• I noticed that it was not my fault for thinking this, because school had taught me that good performance was something to celebrate, and that the reason for performing well was to gain access to opportunities and ultimately happiness.
• I had been (unintentionally) taught that productivity and performance were the key to happiness, and believed that if I wasn’t being productive, then I was “wasting time” or risking “losing opportunities.

I could see how believing this would induce feelings of fear any time I was sitting still.

This resulted in constant thoughts like “I should be doing something productive.” “I shouldn’t just sit here.” “If I rest, then I will fall behind.” “If I don’t push myself harder, I won’t do what it takes to end up happy.”

Meanwhile, the non-stop pressure to keep going was exhausting my brain and my body, and eliminating opportunities I didn’t see.

• It eliminated opportunities for me to connect with my friends and family at a deeper level.
• It eliminated opportunities to enjoy things and have fun.
• It eliminated opportunities to live in the moment and live my life the way I wanted to live it.

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That’s the thing about conflating your level of productivity with your access to happiness, you learn to never ask “what do I want?” or “how do I want to live my life?”

Instead the only question we ask ourselves is “What should I be doing right now?” and “How do I make myself do it?”

A life driven by a need to be productive easily turns into a life that feels devoid of autonomy and choice. And if that goes on for too long, it leads to feelings of exhaustion and emptiness.

So here’s what causes the feeling of not being able to relax.

Believing that you have to earn the right to relax, believing that you have to earn the right to enjoy your life. Believing that being “productive” is what makes you valuable. And believing that you are solely responsible for making things happen.

Unlearning these beliefs doesn’t happen overnight, because it’s something we’ve learned subconsciously through many years of our lives.

HOWEVER: we can start by asking

“What if I don’t have to be doing anything else right now?”

“What if productivity at all costs is actually costing me my happiness?”

and “What do I actually want from my life?”

This calls us to get out of the pool (where we were swimming in the unconscious patterns of “I’m only good enough if I’m productive”) and start walking towards the answer to the question, “What do I actually want?”

Did this post resonate with you? If so, I’d love to hear from you! Leave a comment or send me a message to share your thoughts. For more uplifting content, check out some other posts on my blog, follow me on instagram @morgan_barbret.

Cheers, 

Morgan Rita Barbret

P.S. My FREE e-mail course “Trick Your Brain to Clean Your Room” is officially live! The course works with your psychology to make it easier to tidy a space in your life and convert it into a space that works for you.

It could be any kind of space, a room, your car, a corner of your basement, a desktop surface, you name it. Each day of the course will make it easier and easier to get things back under control.

If you know anyone who would like to coach themselves toward having an easier time caring for their space, share the class with them!