In this post, I’m sharing an attitude that will help you maintain confidence in your life choices, even when other people disapprove.

Every time you make a conscious choice to live your life the way you want to live it. There’s going to be someone in this world who disagrees or thinks it’s the “wrong way to live.”

Sometimes, we’re unfortunate enough to have these people be significant to us. You know, parents, best friends, partners, anybody we’re close to.

And while these people are entitled to their opinions, their opinions should never be the “final say” when it comes to deciding how you live your life. 

I know the world’s most authoritarian parents would roll in their graves if they heard me say this. But I’m dead serious. If you want to have a life that you love. It will require dismissing other people’s opinions and demands of you, no matter who they are. 

When someone important to us doesn’t approve of the choices we’ve made, it can hurt. And it can hurt BAD.

But you know what hurts far worse?

Trying to cram yourself into a box to fit their preferences. 

Changing yourself into something you don’t like.

Giving up on your passions just because someone said it was a waste of your time.

That, my friend, isn’t just painful, it’s unbearable. 

This week, my family member told me that I should change in ways I didn’t want to.

When I happily reported that I had federally established my LLC, set up my business banking and bookkeeping, and had some big wins in following my biggest dream of coaching full time, they said,

“You know… you should consider a career change. Financial advisors are making a lot of money these days.”

…

Ahem, 

WHAT? 

I couldn’t believe that I had shared a list of wins I was proud of, and the response I got was basically “You shouldn’t do that.”

But this moment is worth talking about. 

There will be a lot of people in your life who tell you what they think you should and shouldn’t do, and who they think you should and shouldn’t be (especially if you have minority identities).

They might do this with good intentions. But when they do, they’re not listening to you, they’re not hearing who you are or how important something is to you because they’re too busy listening to their own doubts and judgements.

When this happens, people are usually projecting their own beliefs about what is/isn’t possible for their own lives. This means that what they have to say is likely more about them than it is about you.

If something didn’t work for them, or didn’t apply to them, then they might believe the same applies to you… and they’ll tear you down under their false belief that they’re just being “realistic.”

When this happens. Remind yourself, “I’m not them.” “They’re not me.” “I’m different.”

Because you are.

There is nothing they can observe in their lives that will factually tell you what is possible for yours. Period.

It doesn’t matter who they are, because whoever they are, they’re not some all-knowing being. They can’t tell the future!

And even if their experience has some similarities to yours, this is your story, your moment, not theirs. 

Even if they know you well, they don’t know what you’re willing to do to make your life the way you want it to be. You likely have so many factors you’re considering, and so many reasons why you’re making this choice. They can’t possibly understand all of it. 

And if they don’t show an interest in understanding these things, don’t try to make them. Or at least don’t be attached to making them understand. Because if you think you need them to understand you for you to be happy, you’re placing your happiness in their hands. 

Your happiness doesn’t belong in their hands. 

It belongs with you. In your hands. In your heart. 

It is possible to be happy with yourself and your choices even if they never understand. But this requires making choices based on what you want, value, enjoy, care about, etc., not based on what other people say you should choose. 

For this, you need to be able to listen to yourself.

If you want to enjoy life on your own terms, you have to tune them out.

When somebody tells you to change who you are or what you want, you have three main options. 

1. Sacrifice your authentic self (this isn’t a good option, don’t choose this one).

2. Spend your time and energy worrying about what other people think and say.

3. Listen to yourself, and use the frustration or hurt you rightfully feel as fuel to double down on your choices; to boldly work towards living life the way you want to (And when you do, know that the effort you’re putting in is for you, not for them).

This is a major simplification, and choosing option 3 is often harder than I’m making it sound. But isn’t it clear which option benefits you the most? Can you see which option is rooted in self-compassion?

My family member’s words ended up being a significant moment for me. Because it made me realize that other people will always have opinions about who I should be and what I should do with my life. And I could easily let this take me out emotionally. But I’m going to be better off if I just listen to myself, be who I think I should be, and do what I think I should do. 

I have absolute power to do that. You have absolute power to do that too.

You are in the arena, and they’re only in the bleachers.

In the end, you’re the person who has to do the work when it comes to your life. You’re the person making choices, making mistakes, falling and picking yourself back up. 

Whereas anybody who has something to say about it is just sitting in the stands. They’re on the sideline, my friend. 

This metaphor comes from the following passage of Theodore Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena” speech (1910):

“It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

(Please note that by using a passage from Roosevelt’s speech, I am not by any means excusing or supporting his views on race or minority racial identities.)

There is more to this speech, but the main point is: you’re the only one who counts in the process of becoming yourself, because you’re the one doing the work. 

The critics and the haters aren’t the one’s getting their hands dirty here. They don’t know what it’s like to play your sport because they’re not the athlete. 

They’ll share their opinions over and over again. But at the end of the day, you have the final say on how you shape your life. Therefore, whatever they have to say is just noise and nothing more. 

So when I’m told to consider financial advising, I say simply, “I won’t be doing that. But thanks for sharing your opinion.”

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Can you remember a time where a critic had something to say about your life and your choices? How did you overcome it?

Leave a comment or send me a message to share your thoughts. For more uplifting content, check out some other posts on my blog, follow me on instagram @morgan_barbret, or sign up for the Self Love Atlas Newsletter!

Cheers, 

Morgan Rita Barbret