When you hear people refer to themselves as perfectionists, they are usually suggesting that they care a lot about doing their best. They’re people who care about giving a valiant effort, and producing work that they can feel proud of.  

When people self-identify as perfectionists, they usually perceive it as a positive thing, because caring is a great thing. Right? And making an effort is an honorable thing. Right? 

Yes… AND.

Whether they realize it or not, behind that care and effort, perfectionists face a sinister and harmful underlying belief. 

A belief that says, “If I don’t do a good enough job, then I am not good enough as a person.” 

Oof. 

Underneath their good intentions, there is a fear that tells them…

 “If I don’t do it right, then I am…

• To blame
• Bad
• Wrong
• A failure 
• or a fuck-up

And “If I am not the best version of myself, then I am not good enough to…

• Like myself
• Accept myself (flaws included)
• Deserve love or approval from other people
• Or even cut myself some slack every once in a while

As perfectionists, a failure to meet our expectations of ourselves can create intense suffering.  We think over and over again, “I don’t want to mess this up,” “I want to make the right decision,” “I shouldn’t struggle so hard to do this,” and “I need to do the best that I can.”

The unspoken message that is not expressed (yet heavily implied) is: “If I don’t make the right choices or take the right steps to achieve my goals, then I will reject myself.”

UGHH. Do you hear that? 

It’s so harsh. So unforgiving. So self-judgemental. 

This is what perfectionism is really about: focusing on flaws so intently that they become the only things you can see about yourself. 

It’s as if you took a giant telescope under an open and cloudless night sky and trained its view on one of the few spots where ZERO stars are visible, then saying to yourself “The sky is empty. There is nothing beautiful out there.”

Do you hear how sad that is? How deeply this perspective missed the point of what the sky has to offer? 

You are the night sky. You have gazillions of stars within you and yet you focus on the spots where none of them are visible. That’s what perfectionism does.

It is a really potent recipe for worthlessness. 

It’s worth noting that this inner narrative is learned. So if you notice perfectionistic or judgemental tendencies within yourself, it’s not your fault. 

However, you are the only person who can refocus the view of your telescope. 

No amount of validation or confirmation from other people can eliminate the underlying issue of you consistently choosing to focus on your flaws. 

You have to be the one to pull the lens of your telescope away from the darkness and point it back towards the stars. 

This looks like… 

• Giving yourself credit for any effort you make, no matter how incomplete
• Celebrating any progress you make, no matter how messy
• Giving yourself grace when you don’t meet your own expectations
• Noticing the dark or flawed parts of yourself as a part of something that is both imperfect AND valuable at the same time
• Letting go of the need to do the “right” thing

When you do this, you’ll end up feeling not only more comfortable with yourself, but much more connected to humanity, and more accepting and loving towards other people as well.

If you can think of anyone who needs to hear the ideas and reassurance shared in this post, please share this with them! 

Much love, 

Morgan Rita Barbret

P.s. if you struggle with perfectionism and want to start dissolving the fears and beliefs that fuel it, then I’d love to support you in fighting those perfectionist tendencies. Schedule a free consultation with me to explore what working together 1:1 would look like.

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