“HA, You had me fooled.” The David’s Bridal consultant said. 

She didn’t believe me when I told her I liked the dresses I was trying on, because she was watching my facial expressions. 

Each time I put one on, I looked in the mirror with a kind of blank look on my face. Or I would purse my lips as I thought about the details of each dress. 

Since it was my first time trying on wedding dresses, I was trying to reserve my judgments and just get a feel for what styles were out there. I felt incredibly… neutral.

Meanwhile, the consultant was saying things like “Oh girl, your face says it ALL. You do NOT like that dress.” 

Confused, I replied, “No. I like it. The detailing on the shoulder straps is cool, and I like how simple it is here, and … etc.” 

It wasn’t until she asked me to rate a dress from 1-10 that she realized I wasn’t actually lying to her. 

“What would you rate this one?” she asked. 

“I’d say a 9” I replied. 

She laughed out loud, “HA, You had me fooled.”

I thanked her for her help, wrote down the information for the dress, and left.

But I kept thinking about how what I was feeling inside was not what was being read/understood by this other woman. 

I’m sure she’s seen a lot of brides to-be, and in some cases has read people well. 

But there were definitely some assumptions being made about what emotions or thoughts my facial expressions were indicating. 

I’ve misread people too, I’ve thought they were feeling happy or sad when they weren’t, and often found that whatever was happening in their minds was more complex than just a “feel good” or “feel bad.”

While we might be able to guess how someone is feeling at times, we can’t really “know” with 100% certainty. 

The same facial expression on two different people won’t always mean the same thing. 

And the only way we can really know how someone is feeling is by asking them.

So while I think my bridal dress consultant meant well, I would have connected with her more if she hadn’t tried to guess how I was feeling, and instead just asked (and trusted that my answer was honest).

This would have looked like her asking… “Hey, I noticed you’re pursing your lips while looking at this dress. What do you think of it?/How do you feel about it?” 

To be clear, this woman didn’t owe me anything, she was just doing her job. But it makes me wonder on a broader scale….

Can we connect more with others by asking how they feel (and trusting the answer) rather than trying to guess? 

Can asking these questions create opportunities to build greater mutual understanding? 

I think the answer is yes. 

(p.s. There are some relationships where people will not be honest about how they are feeling for a variety of reasons, so while asking won’t always guarantee a stronger connection it is still an invitation and opportunity to build that connection, even if it doesn’t work every time.)