I’ve seen this quote about resilience being posted and reposted a lot lately: 

“I dream of never being called resilient again in my life. 

I’m exhausted by strength. I want support. I want softness. I want ease. I want to be amongst kin. Not patted on the back for how well I take a hit. Or for how many.” 

Zandashé L’orelia Brown

It seems to resonate with a lot of people. Thousands, actually. 

And there’s something very valuable here, a recognition that people desire to have a safe place to be vulnerable, to let their guard down, to be held, supported, comforted. An expression that they want to feel connected and cared for, rather than battered and bruised by life. All of which are privileges that I believe all people deserve to experience regularly.

However, I want to make a distinction here.

“Being called resilient” may feel very negative, and there’s a good reason for that, but the skill of “being resilient” is life saving. 

Being “called resilient” feels like an offense to some because these words can be weaponized by the complimenter in the place of (or as an excuse not to) actually extend a hand that lifts others up in a meaningful way. When a person is struggling deeply, or hurting badly, a compliment feels empty, because what they really want and need is help and care from other people. 

At the same time, for the person who is being called resilient, they often recognize that had they not learned how to be resilient, they perhaps would not have made it. 

They would have faced such difficult consequences and circumstances from NOT being resilient, that they had no choice but to BECOME resilient.

THAT is exhausting. The feeling of being forced to “grow up too soon,” or to “hold your own,” or to “figure it out alone,” or “take a hit,” when you so deeply wish you didn’t have to do it in the first place. 

Resilience itself though, is a skill that is undeniably worth cultivating.

Because for a lot of people, their skills of resilience makes up the difference between whether their crisis leads to a breakdown, or a breakthrough towards a sense of greater purpose or self-understanding. 

The strength that we wish we didn’t have to develop BECOMES the hand that can be used to lift others in exactly the way we wish we had been lifted ourselves. 

The pain that we wish we didn’t have to feel BECOMES the wisdom that comforts and supports another person going through what you went through. 

So while being called resilient can feel like a little slap in the face at times, never forget that your resilience is exactly the skill that you have that makes you perfectly qualified to give what you wish you had received. 

And if you’re the person who has given these compliments with good intentions, calling friends “resilient,” “strong,” “brave,” or other words that technically comment on the severity of the struggles another person has endured, please also take care to ask that person what they wish they had received, or even how they feel you could support them now. 

And hopefully, when you’re struggling too, you’ll have people who will do the same for you.

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Cheers, 

Morgan Rita Barbret